There Won't Be A Next Time

Yesterday, Sunday, July 22, 2007, I had the adventure of a lifetime. So I decided to share my adventures with the world for two main reasons. Reason 1: to give the you, the world, some laughs. Reason 2: to make you more aware of the kinds of things that go on in your neighborhoods, so that next time, you'll be more prepared.... read on.

I woke up and I decided to go visit a church that I'd heard of, plus I was familiar with the Pastor Sherman (his name has been changed to protect his identity), I had seen him around, and he seemed legit. Woke up, and got ready, ready to learn, just expectant. When I got there, there were maybe 10 people there. As humans, our first instincts are to say whoa, it's time for me to leave. SO I'm thinking to myself, this brother knows me, it would be wrong for me to walk in and walk out. So I sit down, 4th row from the front. And I guess I'm the first guest they had in a while, so he's preaching to me. Inside I'm like OK, we're closer to end, ain't nothing wrong with that.

After church, he comes over to say what's up and see how school and everything is going. He introduces me to his wife and kids, all cool people. Then he invites me to come to lunch with him and his family. He asks me to ride with him, I refuse saying I drove. So we're off to Woodgrill. Much fun, those kids are so rambunctious.

During the course of lunch, his spiritual brother gives him a ring and says that God has given him a word for the church. Giving the instructions to call up the members of the church (5 other people) and return to the hotel where the service is held. SO his spiritual brother drives up from Chester, VA. And the whole time, they're talking about how they had just returned from "Holy Convocation," which I guess is something like an Apostolic National Convention, apparently its huge.

Soo brother’s got a word! Pastor Sherman asks me to stick around and meet his spiritual brother. I said, I wouldn’t mind. Pastor Sherman has been wanting a relationship with impact, whether bible studies, fellowship, or just being available to help out, and this was one of the reasons I went to visit Sunday morning. So the logic was to meet the people that he’s connected to, because the people that you hang around say a lot about who you are. [You may want to stop, and take a few seconds to think about your social network].

I’ve been at church from 11:30 to 2:30, lunch, and then return from 4:30 till (I’ll fill you in at the end). For the first hour, Pastor Sherman and his 4 members are yelling “Hallelujah Bless ya.” Saying press into God and be obedient. So in my mind, I’m just thinking, “just because the worship is different, and praise and worship is a boom box, does not mean that I can’t get with it.” Spiritual brother comes in an hour late, 5:30 in a very starchy purple suit with the in style fat knot ties. In my head I think… “I hope his words are as crisp as his suit.”

He’s preaching from Deut 28, the passage on blessings and curses. And straight up from the start, I’m just wondering if this dude is legit. And I’m not trying to be judgmental; I just want to hear him out. 45 mins or so into it, he says pick up your wallet and yell… “BLESSED.” And I started laughing. I just couldn’t hold it in. He looks at me, and says “you, sister in the green, you don’t have enough faith. I said pick up your wallet and yell blessed.” So I picked up my wallet and mumbled “blessed.” Then he says “The Lord wants to know if you really want, you have to believe, you need to have faith. So I nonchalantly said “blessed.” He starts rambling on names of banks as the sermon now becomes caller response:

Prophet/Spiritual Brother yells: Bank of America
Congregation yells: Blessed
P: Navy Federal
C: Blessed
P: Wachovia
C: Blessed

Every local and national bank you could think of, he said. Probably took about 5 minutes.

Mind you, I’m sitting there staring at this cat as if he was crazy. But let me put this more in context. I was the only female wearing pant… (my bad, some people advise to wear skirts just to be safe, and not offend anyone in the church), but I frankly, don’t really care. Also, all the women had on these little bonnets right on top of the middle of their heads. Not a hat, just a round piece of a cloth… looked like a cloth coaster to me. So already…. I’m the unsaved college kid. Muahaha.

Prophet then calls for a “file single line,” my interpretation was a “single file line.” I kind of sat there as everyone rushed to receive their word. He looks at me and then declares that I am being disobedient. Man… I didn’t want to be disrespectful and just leave, there were 10 people in there, and folks at the door. It was just sad and pathetic. SO to combat my disobedience, I got up to the filed single line.

And he’s laying hands on people, doing his thing. Here’s a transcript of out conversation. Prophet: He gets to me and tells me “the Lord is saying that you are not saved.”
Charlene: I laugh… in his face and say “actually I am.”
P: “How do you know?”
C: “I’ve prayed the prayer of salvation, accepted Christ in my heart, and have chosen to live for God.”
P: “That’s not enough”
C: “o… really” as a matter of factly
P: “Have you been baptized in the name of Jesus”
C: I was kind of dumbfounded, because from my history of learning about the Apostolic church I know that they do not believe in the trinity, and baptize in the name of Jesus only. I’ve never actually seen anyone argue with a “prophet,” especially if it’s not your home church. And mind you, everyone thinks he’s the biggest thing since the Big Steak Omelet at iHop. So, after a quick silence, and thoughts running rampant in my head, “I say yes.”
P: “Have you been baptized in the Holy Spirit? And do you speak in tongues.”
C: I just proceed to give him this look, like why are you trying so hard.
P: He starts to prophecy, “we you need to let go of your anger and frustration so that you can be saved for real. I see spirits all around you holding you back from your blessing.”

As he is prophesying, his amour bearer comes from behind and picks me up. Six-Four, 250 pounds, he’s huge. And the Pastor is yelling, we must baptize her. Apparently, I didn’t know what I was talking about because the spirits had clouded my memory and reality.

C: So I’m yelling, “Put me down, I’m saved, I’ve already been baptized.
P: Calls the church mothers and elders to surround me and pray for obedience
C: I’m laughing, and thinking, what foolishness! I know that I’m saved.
P: They start laying hands. The amour bearer proceeds to start walking to the pool outside of the hotel so that they can baptize me. Prophets summons someone to “go get clothes so that she can change after we baptize her.”
C: I’m thinking 1) If these ninja’s put me in the water, I’m suing someone. 2) I just flat ironed my hair. 3) What did I get myself into? 4) Where is the hotel staff? 5) Who the baptizes in a pool, where others are currently swimming? 6) The whole time, I’m just praying that God would shield me from this obviously not so godly mess.

After much fighting, he puts me down, and again declares my disobedience. Prophet asks me to go sit down. So I do, while looking to make an exit. It’s about 7:45, and I’m wondering why the heck I stayed that long. I’d never been in a situation like that nor did I know if it was okay to get up and leave or if it would be rude. Something just wasn’t right.

A few suggestions:
1) NEVER go church hopping alone. It’s not safe! Always take a friend. We don’t let friends drive drunk, or walk alone at night, don’t let them visit churches alone.
2) If you get a feeling that something is not right, and you know that it is more than your nerves, go with your gut instinct.
3) Be careful who you let lay hands on you.
4) If need be… call the police. Hahaha, not really.